On embracing two family names: bridge of two pasts and the two alternate versions
Wow. Such a title.
Okay first off, how come I have two family names? Why am I using both my grandfather and grandmother? Is it a compound surname? Is it like a law or accounting firm?
I was registered with only my first name at birth. At the time, the “Chinese”* communities had to avoid Sino-sounding names and “naturalize” them; as part of stripping off identities, cultures, and any potential threatening association with the government of a country. It was challenging to register for my dad’s family to register themselves with my grandfather’s surname as the document needed for it was practically non-existent so my grandmother’s has been used instead. This was only possible in the 21st century after the ’98 mass murders and looting, and the toppling of the Indonesian president at the time. Just like I had only known my grandmother because my grandfather had passed away a long time ago, I too had always known her surname until my father showed me a piece of paper containing our names in traditional Chinese characters. He then explained why we have a different surname in our Chinese names.
*The majority of the “Chinese” living and immigrating to Southeast Asia are not of Han ethnic groups, rather the Southern groups such as Min. It is tricky when people start to blur the lines between: the national identity, the political ideologies, and the cultures they were raised and continue to preserve.
Growing up bearing my grandmother’s family name as it is, with no modification, no “naturalization”, has played a role in shaping my identity and how others have perceived me. It is unapologetically Chinese. There’s no hiding or denying it. Others would be free to plaster any of their assumptions on me just from my name alone. Not only that my first name is very distinct and gender-neutral, any stranger would wonder whether I am of foreign nationality just from my name and email address alone. It doesn’t help that I am generally a quiet person so no one in real life would be able to tell from first meeting immediately that when I cry or babble nonsense, I use Indonesian as well. Anyway, a funny anecdote: only one person ever asked (jokingly, obv) if I am related to a famous figure skater (which of course, I responded with, “..and if I am???” ha ha)
Having your cultural identity be as obvious as a broad daylight has its own perks and irks but in a way, it speaks on behalf of my experience in Indonesia. It helps tell a story about what my family and my communities (mostly middle to low socioeconomic groups) went through; what’s their history and relationship with this country, where we did not choose to be born into. And more importantly, it has helped me to stand my ground that I should be proud of what I am, with everything that I was given and could give.
I never had to use my grandfather’s surname except for when I joined study tours to Fujian and Hubei back in high school, and now more than 10 years later in Taiwan studying Mandarin. The surname is still quite rare even for today’s statistics. Several years ago, I had only found one person from Thailand who shared the same surname. I’ve looked up that it is still common in specific areas in Taiwan that have a lot of descendants from Min immigrants. I hope they have some kind of city/village information center or verbal historian where I can learn from.
It feels even more empowering yet perplexing at the same time. In what way has it been empowering? I have felt that my potential value or personality doesn’t concern what my name sounds like. I am less likely to be the first person you’d notice in a room full of people so that kind of gives me more avenue and incentive to really show other parts of myself. I am not saying that cultural differences will be eliminated as I am still a foreigner, non-native to Taiwanese, but not being limited to what people can only make out of a few words about yourself surely does make you feel like you can break the walls of expectation even more, right? I still have my insecurities and all about my abilities and what I could contribute but that’s exactly where I want to put a spotlight on. Yes it can be so anxiety-inducing but I am already in a new country anyway so what else do I have left or must show if not more of my merit?
In what way is it perplexing? I still feel disconnected because I obviously led a different life than those who share my surname and have a stronger tie to their roots. Even back home, I wasn’t really upholding the culture and tradition either so I did not have as strong familiarity or affinity. What I knew barely scratched the surface so I take it as an opportunity for me to explore this unknown part of myself.
My Chinese name consists of three letters. One is a surname, the second one is derived from a phrase for “Chinese overseas”, and the last one is commonly used as an adverb, “even” or perhaps something that means “to connect”. Not the kind of meaning a 12-year old would find easy to grasp. I was told that one of my past lives was a [someone]. Something about that revelation and the fact that the flow has brought me here just screams I am making a good decision and this is what’s meant to be. Who knows what I can make out of or what will the journey be like as I discover more as I am closer to the spring, the headwater, the nuclei. I know that in the last four years, this is weirdly the least scary I’ve been when evaluating my outlook on life (at times, not all the time).
We all can choose how we want others to address us or what names should be the official ones but I am settled with what I have now. I choose to still carry every bit possible that an Indonesian can have. What I grew up with, what I’ve grown to like or not like; how I see the world from the safe sanctuary of my house in a huge metropolitan just a little bit south of the equator. I carry the marks that amazing people that I’ve met have stamped on me. I carry my grandmother’s struggle in raising their family, I carry my father’s decision and prayers, I cultivate people’s expectations on me and turn them into a motivation to wield my own sphere and facets. I also don’t mind unraveling more chapters of my past; to continue carrying the history, letting my ancestors’ prayers and spirits uplift me in this lifetime.
